[There's a long pause after Gansey speaks, during which Ronan just sits there and considers his words. He's never been the diplomatic sort. He'd usually rather curse at or punch issues like this rather than reasoning through them, but as self-centered and needy as Ronan is most of the time, he's still able to at least tell when something is important, when something is weighing as heavily on Gansey as this is.
Adam would be better at giving him a pep talk like this. At reasoning through all the explanations, reassuring Gansey that everything is alright, that none of this has been his fault... but Adam isn't here right now, and Ronan doesn't think it would be polite to go and get him, just so he can try to help Ronan communicate the knot in his chest.
Gansey can usually read him alright anyway. Gansey had been in a hospital room, months and months ago, while Adam- through no fault of his own- had not. And in times like these, with Gansey doubting himself and running himself ragged, Ronan remembers the smell of antiseptic, the stark white of the walls.]
...I think I'd be dead. [He says it quietly, his voice barely audible in the room. Ronan twists his fingers in the leather bands around his wrist, and somehow, it's the only thing that matters. He swallows, looks away.] Without you.
[And that's the crux of it. Without Gansey, there'd be nothing after the Barns, nothing after Niall. There'd be student housing, fighting Declan, ineffective counseling, dropping out. There'd be nightmares, and they'd come back, and they'd keep trying until they succeeded because Gansey wouldn't be there to keep Ronan from the darker parts of himself, and the world would keep turning, minus two Lynch brothers.
It's a sobering thought. Ronan tries not to address it too often.]
Ronan cuts a strange figure, sitting there like that, with his focus on his wristbands and his fingers twisting them around. It's a strangely vulnerable sight, a part of Ronan that's not often on display because Ronan is very careful about hiding it. He hides it all behind anger and brashness, never letting anyone see the fractures beneath.
Gansey understands. You can't see the things that Ronan has seen, and been the person Ronan has been, and not be changed. He remembers sitting by his bedside every day, needing him to heal, and feeling terrified out of his mind that he would lose his best friend.
The thought of Ronan dying, either on that table, or on another, later one, is terrible to Gansey. He is so very afraid of death, and all that it means, and all that it threatens to take away. He's afraid of it for himself, but he's afraid of it for his friends, too.
Would Ronan be dead without him? Noah had once told him the same thing. Gansey doesn't want to believe it. There's a lump in his throat that's difficult to talk past, and it makes his voice strain against itself. ]
Ronan...
Christ.
[ He falls silent, turning that over in his head. It's also the case that if Noah had not found Ronan that night, he could have been dead. Had his nightmares continued to manifest, he could have been dead.
But Gansey would've fought tooth and nail to keep it from happening. He knows that he would. ]
I don't...mean that I regret finding you. Any of you. And I'm not leaving you, either, you have to know that.
Just know that my quest--
It doesn't have to be yours. This is an out, if you want it, if it's too much. For any of you. Even if Blue's wrong, I never want her to be right, Ronan. I never want any of you hurt because of me.
[There isn't really much doubt in Ronan's mind, what he'd be without Gansey. He'd known it for months now- really, he's known it since Kavinsky, since fighting Robert Parrish, since the dark night at the hospital when Gansey had made him swear to survive. Gansey had been there when no one else was, knew him like no one else did. Gansey had helped him rebuild himself from nothing, had taken him in, supported him, controlled him where he could.
When it comes right down to it, the math is simple. If the tradeoff for all of that is that Ronan helps Gansey on his quest, then he'll do so without question- maybe while mocking him a bit, maybe while making fun of the whole thing, but never questioning Gansey's need for it. In the grand scheme of things, searching for Glendower is nothing compared to what Ronan would do for him.
Ronan sided himself with Gansey a long time ago. He'd fight for him, he'd die for him, kill for him, follow him into Hell. This- the dangers of his quest, whatever Blue was saying- this is nothing.]
Don't be stupid.
[He drops his hands from his wrists, tilting his chin up toward Gansey defiantly.]
You know me. I've got no problem walking away from shit. [Ronan leans in a little and meets Gansey's eyes in that intense stare of his. Incendiary, in all of his blunt honesty.] I'm not walking away from this. Don't insult me by ever thinking that I'd want to.
[ Sometimes, Gansey and Ronan let too much go between them. They let things go without addressing any of it, or they assume they other knows enough to not be told. Sometimes that's true, too.
And sometimes Gansey thinks that Ronan is walking away from him, even if he's not, and he convinces himself that he shouldn't talk at all.
This is not one of those moments. Ronan is startlingly clear, and there's no possible way to meet that stare and not believe him. It's telling of the kind of breathless loyalty that Gansey genuinely admires. It's the kind of look that would make a person want to look away, because of how much it demands from them. Gansey doesn't look away from Ronan.
He nods. ]
Okay.
[ Even knowing the risks, and knowing what's happened already, Ronan still doesn't want to turn his back on it. That's important. ]
Thank you.
I think that Blue felt the same way, before all of this happened. I have to believe she'll come back again eventually. I just don't want her to be right, you know? I don't want to get any of you hurt.
[ He smiles a little, though. If he's a risk his friends are willing to take, then so be it. He knows he would do the same for them. He leans forward, eyes on Ronan's. ]
[He nods. Ronan doesn't know how to comment on Blue- their relationship was never particularly stable, and they haven't interacted much since she told him that she knew him in another time, in another world- but he's sure that Gansey is right about her. No matter what might have changed in her, she would still believe them, would still know them and not fight against Gansey as she had earlier.
They both have to believe that. Gansey, so he doesn't fall apart, and Ronan, so that he can look at Gansey without worrying that he'll crumple. It's better for both of them this way.
Ronan shrugs, receding back into a normal posture, like this is any other conversation.]
It's what I do.
[There's a pause, and he nods toward the vague, half-formed map on the floor.]
[ It is what Ronan does, Gansey thinks. He's always done that; he was the one whose faith was never shaken, even when Gansey's own was struggling. It matters that Ronan will keep faith now, too.
He's so glad that he's here. He's glad that all of them are here, and that he's found them all again.
Taking the cue, he sits up a little straighter to refocus on the model. Keeping his hands busy has always helped to keep his mind from running away with itself. That had been the whole reason for starting this. ]
Company is enough. If you really want to help, you can help me scavenge for more cans later.
[ An art project made from empty cans. Somehow, Gansey suspects Ronan wouldn't mind the prospect. ]
[He warns, because that sounds suspiciously like boring work, and Ronan is not a fan of boring work. Nevertheless, he shrugs and leans back against the couch, idly watching as Gansey works at his model.
Every so often, he makes a snide comment or a suggestion for a material or two, but for the most part, the rest of the evening passes in a comfortable silence.]
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no subject
Adam would be better at giving him a pep talk like this. At reasoning through all the explanations, reassuring Gansey that everything is alright, that none of this has been his fault... but Adam isn't here right now, and Ronan doesn't think it would be polite to go and get him, just so he can try to help Ronan communicate the knot in his chest.
Gansey can usually read him alright anyway. Gansey had been in a hospital room, months and months ago, while Adam- through no fault of his own- had not. And in times like these, with Gansey doubting himself and running himself ragged, Ronan remembers the smell of antiseptic, the stark white of the walls.]
...I think I'd be dead. [He says it quietly, his voice barely audible in the room. Ronan twists his fingers in the leather bands around his wrist, and somehow, it's the only thing that matters. He swallows, looks away.] Without you.
[And that's the crux of it. Without Gansey, there'd be nothing after the Barns, nothing after Niall. There'd be student housing, fighting Declan, ineffective counseling, dropping out. There'd be nightmares, and they'd come back, and they'd keep trying until they succeeded because Gansey wouldn't be there to keep Ronan from the darker parts of himself, and the world would keep turning, minus two Lynch brothers.
It's a sobering thought. Ronan tries not to address it too often.]
I think that's what would be different.
no subject
Ronan cuts a strange figure, sitting there like that, with his focus on his wristbands and his fingers twisting them around. It's a strangely vulnerable sight, a part of Ronan that's not often on display because Ronan is very careful about hiding it. He hides it all behind anger and brashness, never letting anyone see the fractures beneath.
Gansey understands. You can't see the things that Ronan has seen, and been the person Ronan has been, and not be changed. He remembers sitting by his bedside every day, needing him to heal, and feeling terrified out of his mind that he would lose his best friend.
The thought of Ronan dying, either on that table, or on another, later one, is terrible to Gansey. He is so very afraid of death, and all that it means, and all that it threatens to take away. He's afraid of it for himself, but he's afraid of it for his friends, too.
Would Ronan be dead without him? Noah had once told him the same thing. Gansey doesn't want to believe it. There's a lump in his throat that's difficult to talk past, and it makes his voice strain against itself. ]
Ronan...
Christ.
[ He falls silent, turning that over in his head. It's also the case that if Noah had not found Ronan that night, he could have been dead. Had his nightmares continued to manifest, he could have been dead.
But Gansey would've fought tooth and nail to keep it from happening. He knows that he would. ]
I don't...mean that I regret finding you. Any of you. And I'm not leaving you, either, you have to know that.
Just know that my quest--
It doesn't have to be yours. This is an out, if you want it, if it's too much. For any of you. Even if Blue's wrong, I never want her to be right, Ronan. I never want any of you hurt because of me.
no subject
When it comes right down to it, the math is simple. If the tradeoff for all of that is that Ronan helps Gansey on his quest, then he'll do so without question- maybe while mocking him a bit, maybe while making fun of the whole thing, but never questioning Gansey's need for it. In the grand scheme of things, searching for Glendower is nothing compared to what Ronan would do for him.
Ronan sided himself with Gansey a long time ago. He'd fight for him, he'd die for him, kill for him, follow him into Hell. This- the dangers of his quest, whatever Blue was saying- this is nothing.]
Don't be stupid.
[He drops his hands from his wrists, tilting his chin up toward Gansey defiantly.]
You know me. I've got no problem walking away from shit. [Ronan leans in a little and meets Gansey's eyes in that intense stare of his. Incendiary, in all of his blunt honesty.] I'm not walking away from this. Don't insult me by ever thinking that I'd want to.
no subject
And sometimes Gansey thinks that Ronan is walking away from him, even if he's not, and he convinces himself that he shouldn't talk at all.
This is not one of those moments. Ronan is startlingly clear, and there's no possible way to meet that stare and not believe him. It's telling of the kind of breathless loyalty that Gansey genuinely admires. It's the kind of look that would make a person want to look away, because of how much it demands from them. Gansey doesn't look away from Ronan.
He nods. ]
Okay.
[ Even knowing the risks, and knowing what's happened already, Ronan still doesn't want to turn his back on it. That's important. ]
Thank you.
I think that Blue felt the same way, before all of this happened. I have to believe she'll come back again eventually. I just don't want her to be right, you know? I don't want to get any of you hurt.
[ He smiles a little, though. If he's a risk his friends are willing to take, then so be it. He knows he would do the same for them. He leans forward, eyes on Ronan's. ]
Thanks for being certain. Christ knows I wasn't.
no subject
They both have to believe that. Gansey, so he doesn't fall apart, and Ronan, so that he can look at Gansey without worrying that he'll crumple. It's better for both of them this way.
Ronan shrugs, receding back into a normal posture, like this is any other conversation.]
It's what I do.
[There's a pause, and he nods toward the vague, half-formed map on the floor.]
Need anything?
no subject
He's so glad that he's here. He's glad that all of them are here, and that he's found them all again.
Taking the cue, he sits up a little straighter to refocus on the model. Keeping his hands busy has always helped to keep his mind from running away with itself. That had been the whole reason for starting this. ]
Company is enough. If you really want to help, you can help me scavenge for more cans later.
[ An art project made from empty cans. Somehow, Gansey suspects Ronan wouldn't mind the prospect. ]
no subject
[He warns, because that sounds suspiciously like boring work, and Ronan is not a fan of boring work. Nevertheless, he shrugs and leans back against the couch, idly watching as Gansey works at his model.
Every so often, he makes a snide comment or a suggestion for a material or two, but for the most part, the rest of the evening passes in a comfortable silence.]