I’m eager to keep searching. We’re too close to stop
now. We’re nearing the end, can’t you feel it?
[ He can. He knows where they are, where they’ve been. Everything is
tied up in that cave, in what’s around it, in what’s beneath it. It’s the
present and the past, and maybe the future. Gansey is afraid of the end, of
what that means. But if he could stop now, he’d have stopped long
ago. ]
[There's no question that Ronan would follow Gansey into Hell if he asked. Where they're going, what this is leading up to, feels sometimes like it might be something like that anyway. The more things that get tangled up in it, the more lives and dreams and fucking psychics that get threaded into the tapestry of Gansey's quest, the less it seems like something that can just be taken and walked away with, the more it seems like something that will leave a lasting impression- though whether that will be a triumphant memory or a scar, he doesn't know.]
[ That question causes Gansey’s longest delay yet. It’s not that he doesn’t know the answer. He has a ready one, a truth he’s already admitted to Noah. The truth that he doesn’t know how to be the person who’s not obsessed with finding Glendower.
Telling Noah was easy, in a way that telling Ronan or Adam or Blue could not be. This quest has changed them. It’s hurt them, already, and he’s afraid of it hurting them more before it ends. How can he admit so much uncertainty, when they’re trusting his leadership? That’s not what they need from him. He cannot be so weak. ]
I want to find him. I look forward to that, to finally seeing how everything fits together.
I wouldn’t say I look forward to it being over. I haven’t often thought about it, it’s never been in reach before. Honestly, I can’t imagine what I’ll do with myself.
[ That’s true, anyway. All around him his friends have been making plans. Blue, talking about Community College, planning a career. Adam, reaching ahead of himself and aiming to leave. Ronan, reaching behind and aiming for home. Their paths are all so disparate, and yet they have them. Gansey plans for Glendower, and looking for Glendower, and even a lengthy search is still a finite thing. Everything he’s cared about for seven years ends with it. He has no plans beyond the quest. ]
[Ronan doesn't put much stock into phones in general, and the delays between important texts have always been more of a nuisance to him than anything telling. With this though, it's- important in a way that he can't quite name, a way that he's almost afraid to give thought to. It's Gansey after Glendower, and it's not something that any of them have really considered, as consumed as they are with the beating present, every hour of every day.]
Would you leave?
[It's not a stretch of the imagination to think that he would. Gansey has traveled to other countries for his passion, he's dropped everything and moved far away from what he knows, what he's comfortable with. To imagine him settling anywhere- even Henrietta, even where Ronan is, where Blue is, where Adam is- seems like he'd just be fooling himself.
And yet. Ronan knows where he's going. He thinks sometimes that he might be the only one out of all of them that has a future folded into neat, predictable lines and nestled here in Virginia. Adam already wants to leave, Noah is falling apart more and more every day. What would he do here without Gansey? He couldn't follow him, not with so many pieces of him tied to a modest farmhouse twenty minutes out of town.
He thinks about adding something else maybe, sending another message- but he doesn't. Ronan has never been particularly verbose, and Gansey has always been good at deciphering exactly what he means anyway.]
It makes Gansey frown. The only thing that he’d ever travelled for was to find Glendower. That had been an obsession, a necessity. Nowhere had been good enough without him. He would have travelled the world several times over to find the clue he needed.
Until he came here, and it felt right. Gansey had felt at home in Henrietta before he’d ever had solid proof. He tries to imagine not having anything to need proof for, and all he comes up with is the gnawing worry of what will be left of him then.
But whatever is left will be here. It’s the only place that’s ever felt like home. Before, he always had to bear in mind that he might need to leave, for Glendower. If that’s no longer a factor, then… ]
And go where? To the places Glendower wasn’t, to DC? Jesus, imagine it. That’s not for me.
Anyway, I’d just end up calling home every five minutes to see what was happening. You’d get sick of that quickly enough.
[ If Gansey could, he would keep every one of his friends by his side. He doesn’t want to leave any of them.
It’s not just Henrietta, the place. They all feel right to him, too. ]
[Ronan tries to feel comforted by Gansey's answer, but it doesn't quite slide everything into place the way he wants it to. But really, what would it take for him to be happy? Adam and Gansey and Blue never leaving for college? Never going anywhere in their lives, never making new friends, never finding new passions or careers, content to stomp through the forests of Henrietta until they all die of old age?
Of course, a small part of him echoes. That's exactly what he wants.]
Parrish wants to leave.
[He types it out and sends it before he fully considers how Gansey will interpret it- whether or not it's passive aggressive, whether it sounds like Ronan is blaming Gansey for pushing Adam to be successful, whether it sounds like Ronan is using Adam's upward-reaching tendencies to try and further guilt Gansey into staying... well, it could be any of those things. It could be none of them.
He just knows that it hurts whenever he thinks about a future without all of them. For Ronan, there was never another choice. The Barns, Cabeswater- it's where he belongs, where he'll belong for the rest of his life. It's difficult for him to comprehend sometimes, why it's not the same for everyone else.]
[ Yes, Adam does. Gansey sighs. This takes him right back to the summer, when he was still trying to convince Adam to leave home. When Noah told Ronan that the two of them would leave together. This is what he assumes Ronan means now. That Adam is leaving, so of course Gansey will go with him instead of staying with Ronan. That it’s a case of playing favorites, which Gansey refuses to do and which he doesn’t want either of them to force him into.
Jesus, is it even going to matter? Where will he be after Glendower? He can’t even picture himself outside of that moment. He can’t imagine college. How do you retreat to the mundane world after touching the stars? He doesn’t know if he can. Adam’s ambitions are not Gansey’s. ]
I know. I can’t stop him. I don’t want to stop him, he deserves his success.
I don’t know what I’ll do, Ronan, that’s the truth, but I know that home is here. If I could, I’d have all of you with me. I’m not really overfond of change.
[ That’s a laughable understatement, but it’s true. They’ve already changed so much. He’s already lost part of Adam to Cabeswater, and Noah is fading all the time. If none of the rest can be repaired, perhaps that still can. He’s quiet for a moment, tapping the phone against his chin. Then: ]
I want to ask for Noah. When we find Glendower, I want to save him. That’s the only plan I have.
[ He may not need another, after that. The worry gnaws at him, but he pushes it back. ]
[Gansey says that he deserves it, and part of Ronan knows that it's true. That if what Adam really wants is to go and if he works his ass off to leave, then they have no right to stop him. But- he doesn't understand how anyone would want to leave what they have, what all of them share. This wild rush of magic and adoration that they all feel for one another can't be replicated anywhere else in the world, Ronan knows that without ever needing to set foot outside of town.
It's not that he doesn't believe Gansey. He does, it's just that he can't help but feel like something is ending, like when their story draws to a close, not only will their quest be over, but in some unknowable way, they will be over as well.
He doesn't think of a death of the body so much as he has anxiety about the death of the magic that holds the five of them together. But that's something that he'll never be able to fully put to words and verbalize to Gansey, much less through text.]
You me and Noah then.
You know I'll stand by whatever you choose.
[Unless you go remains, of course, unspoken. For someone who prefers blunt honesty at all times, Ronan can still get away with lying to himself every now and again.]
It's not, though. Gansey doesn't like this line of talking, doesn't like the idea that everything will change, that his friends will break apart. He doesn't want that, even if he knows it's likely true. No matter where Gansey is, or what happens to him at the end of all of this, he doesn't like the thought of them fracturing. ]
Adam and Blue will study. That doesn't mean you'll never see them again.
We're better friends than that, surely.
[ Aren't they? They are the best friends Gansey has ever known. They're closer than most friends are. Something as special as that, as unique as that, cannot just disappear.
Even when Glendower is found. They all have so many plans, but they won't just forget each other. ]
[Ronan doesn't respond to the sentiment because there's no way he can respond without it being some kind of insult, or coming across like he doesn't believe in their friendship. He does. He just also doesn't quite see how leaving could be anything less than permanent. Even if they came back, even if they visited, part of them- part of this- would always be gone. The knowledge digs uncomfortably at him and he drops it for now.]
You think we'd each get a favor?
[Now there's a question. It's not a question that Ronan has never given thought to of course, but when it's brought up, he never quite knows what to say. Especially recently, when he's come into himself and his connections with Cabeswater. There's no physical thing he could want that Cabeswater wouldn't readily give him- more to the point, he doesn't think he wants anything that Glendower could give.
He knows that magic is real. He knows what he is, what his legacy is, their search has found validation for Ronan in a way that none of them would ever have expected. He doesn't think he needs anything else.
What point is there really, in the end result? For him? He wants it, he supposes, but not with the same burning need that Gansey does. In the end, he wants it because Gansey does, not for any further personal benefit. He's already gotten everything he needs.]
A new cage for Chainsaw. She keeps chipping the bars on hers and it rusts out. Maybe a self-cleaning one.
[It's a joke, obviously, something to lighten the mood. It has occurred to Ronan that he could ask Glendower to wake up the Barns, or to turn Matthew- real. Neither of those desires are things that he wants to just put out there. Besides, he thinks, this is his own burden, his own journey. Asking Glendower for a fix feels like it would be cheating, like it would be... dishonoring the sacrifice, somehow.
It's difficult to explain. He's still doesn't know for sure. But that's not something he really wants to spell out over text.]
[ If Gansey were searching for a deep and meaningful, philosophical answer, this would fall badly short.
The thing is, it doesn't fall short at all. It makes him smile, makes some indiscernible part of himself feel warmer, because that answer is so very Ronan. That's the Ronan who's in this for his friends, who cares about his home and his people and his bird, and who doesn't in the end need more than that.
This is his best friend.
Ronan is so grounded. He balances Gansey more than he will ever know. ]
You know you could probably dream one of those. Self-cleaning, and everything.
Anyway, this is all quite previous. It's not the end yet, Lynch. We still have miles to go before we sleep.
[The fact that Gansey both understood and played along with the brevity makes the corner of his mouth twitch in a smile, despite the earlier unpleasant subject matter. Gansey somehow always knows what to say or how to react, and while he's not always successful in calming Ronan down, this time Ronan can feel his frustration ebb away at the reassurance.
Miles to go.]
Then I guess we should start working a little harder.
[There's a pause- Ronan isn't verbose, not even in text- especially not in text really, and he doesn't express himself in words so much as action, but he does feel some form of gratitude toward Gansey for all of this- the reassurance, the talking-down, everything that he's so good at.
That sort of thing is hard to express when they're just texting. So, after a minute or two, Gansey will get a second response, just a single word-]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I do know that. Though I would put it to you that setting her property on fire may not be the best way to convince her.
Anyway, once it’s over we can go back to the cave. Which would you really prefer?
no subject
You're that eager to go back?
no subject
[ Thank God.
And also, not remotely. But they have to. ]
I’m eager to keep searching. We’re too close to stop now. We’re nearing the end, can’t you feel it?
[ He can. He knows where they are, where they’ve been. Everything is tied up in that cave, in what’s around it, in what’s beneath it. It’s the present and the past, and maybe the future. Gansey is afraid of the end, of what that means. But if he could stop now, he’d have stopped long ago. ]
We keep going onwards. That’s all we can ever do.
no subject
[There's no question that Ronan would follow Gansey into Hell if he asked. Where they're going, what this is leading up to, feels sometimes like it might be something like that anyway. The more things that get tangled up in it, the more lives and dreams and fucking psychics that get threaded into the tapestry of Gansey's quest, the less it seems like something that can just be taken and walked away with, the more it seems like something that will leave a lasting impression- though whether that will be a triumphant memory or a scar, he doesn't know.]
Do you look forward to it? The end of all this.
no subject
Telling Noah was easy, in a way that telling Ronan or Adam or Blue could not be. This quest has changed them. It’s hurt them, already, and he’s afraid of it hurting them more before it ends. How can he admit so much uncertainty, when they’re trusting his leadership? That’s not what they need from him. He cannot be so weak. ]
I want to find him. I look forward to that, to finally seeing how everything fits together.
I wouldn’t say I look forward to it being over. I haven’t often thought about it, it’s never been in reach before. Honestly, I can’t imagine what I’ll do with myself.
[ That’s true, anyway. All around him his friends have been making plans. Blue, talking about Community College, planning a career. Adam, reaching ahead of himself and aiming to leave. Ronan, reaching behind and aiming for home. Their paths are all so disparate, and yet they have them. Gansey plans for Glendower, and looking for Glendower, and even a lengthy search is still a finite thing. Everything he’s cared about for seven years ends with it. He has no plans beyond the quest. ]
no subject
Would you leave?
[It's not a stretch of the imagination to think that he would. Gansey has traveled to other countries for his passion, he's dropped everything and moved far away from what he knows, what he's comfortable with. To imagine him settling anywhere- even Henrietta, even where Ronan is, where Blue is, where Adam is- seems like he'd just be fooling himself.
And yet. Ronan knows where he's going. He thinks sometimes that he might be the only one out of all of them that has a future folded into neat, predictable lines and nestled here in Virginia. Adam already wants to leave, Noah is falling apart more and more every day. What would he do here without Gansey? He couldn't follow him, not with so many pieces of him tied to a modest farmhouse twenty minutes out of town.
He thinks about adding something else maybe, sending another message- but he doesn't. Ronan has never been particularly verbose, and Gansey has always been good at deciphering exactly what he means anyway.]
no subject
It makes Gansey frown. The only thing that he’d ever travelled for was to find Glendower. That had been an obsession, a necessity. Nowhere had been good enough without him. He would have travelled the world several times over to find the clue he needed.
Until he came here, and it felt right. Gansey had felt at home in Henrietta before he’d ever had solid proof. He tries to imagine not having anything to need proof for, and all he comes up with is the gnawing worry of what will be left of him then.
But whatever is left will be here. It’s the only place that’s ever felt like home. Before, he always had to bear in mind that he might need to leave, for Glendower. If that’s no longer a factor, then… ]
And go where? To the places Glendower wasn’t, to DC? Jesus, imagine it. That’s not for me.
Anyway, I’d just end up calling home every five minutes to see what was happening. You’d get sick of that quickly enough.
[ If Gansey could, he would keep every one of his friends by his side. He doesn’t want to leave any of them.
It’s not just Henrietta, the place. They all feel right to him, too. ]
no subject
Of course, a small part of him echoes. That's exactly what he wants.]
Parrish wants to leave.
[He types it out and sends it before he fully considers how Gansey will interpret it- whether or not it's passive aggressive, whether it sounds like Ronan is blaming Gansey for pushing Adam to be successful, whether it sounds like Ronan is using Adam's upward-reaching tendencies to try and further guilt Gansey into staying... well, it could be any of those things. It could be none of them.
He just knows that it hurts whenever he thinks about a future without all of them. For Ronan, there was never another choice. The Barns, Cabeswater- it's where he belongs, where he'll belong for the rest of his life. It's difficult for him to comprehend sometimes, why it's not the same for everyone else.]
no subject
Jesus, is it even going to matter? Where will he be after Glendower? He can’t even picture himself outside of that moment. He can’t imagine college. How do you retreat to the mundane world after touching the stars? He doesn’t know if he can. Adam’s ambitions are not Gansey’s. ]
I know. I can’t stop him. I don’t want to stop him, he deserves his success.
I don’t know what I’ll do, Ronan, that’s the truth, but I know that home is here. If I could, I’d have all of you with me. I’m not really overfond of change.
[ That’s a laughable understatement, but it’s true. They’ve already changed so much. He’s already lost part of Adam to Cabeswater, and Noah is fading all the time. If none of the rest can be repaired, perhaps that still can. He’s quiet for a moment, tapping the phone against his chin. Then: ]
I want to ask for Noah. When we find Glendower, I want to save him. That’s the only plan I have.
[ He may not need another, after that. The worry gnaws at him, but he pushes it back. ]
no subject
It's not that he doesn't believe Gansey. He does, it's just that he can't help but feel like something is ending, like when their story draws to a close, not only will their quest be over, but in some unknowable way, they will be over as well.
He doesn't think of a death of the body so much as he has anxiety about the death of the magic that holds the five of them together. But that's something that he'll never be able to fully put to words and verbalize to Gansey, much less through text.]
You me and Noah then.
You know I'll stand by whatever you choose.
[Unless you go remains, of course, unspoken. For someone who prefers blunt honesty at all times, Ronan can still get away with lying to himself every now and again.]
no subject
It's not, though. Gansey doesn't like this line of talking, doesn't like the idea that everything will change, that his friends will break apart. He doesn't want that, even if he knows it's likely true. No matter where Gansey is, or what happens to him at the end of all of this, he doesn't like the thought of them fracturing. ]
Adam and Blue will study. That doesn't mean you'll never see them again.
We're better friends than that, surely.
[ Aren't they? They are the best friends Gansey has ever known. They're closer than most friends are. Something as special as that, as unique as that, cannot just disappear.
Even when Glendower is found. They all have so many plans, but they won't just forget each other. ]
Do you know what you'll ask for?
no subject
You think we'd each get a favor?
[Now there's a question. It's not a question that Ronan has never given thought to of course, but when it's brought up, he never quite knows what to say. Especially recently, when he's come into himself and his connections with Cabeswater. There's no physical thing he could want that Cabeswater wouldn't readily give him- more to the point, he doesn't think he wants anything that Glendower could give.
He knows that magic is real. He knows what he is, what his legacy is, their search has found validation for Ronan in a way that none of them would ever have expected. He doesn't think he needs anything else.
What point is there really, in the end result? For him? He wants it, he supposes, but not with the same burning need that Gansey does. In the end, he wants it because Gansey does, not for any further personal benefit. He's already gotten everything he needs.]
A new cage for Chainsaw. She keeps chipping the bars on hers and it rusts out. Maybe a self-cleaning one.
[It's a joke, obviously, something to lighten the mood. It has occurred to Ronan that he could ask Glendower to wake up the Barns, or to turn Matthew- real. Neither of those desires are things that he wants to just put out there. Besides, he thinks, this is his own burden, his own journey. Asking Glendower for a fix feels like it would be cheating, like it would be... dishonoring the sacrifice, somehow.
It's difficult to explain. He's still doesn't know for sure. But that's not something he really wants to spell out over text.]
no subject
The thing is, it doesn't fall short at all. It makes him smile, makes some indiscernible part of himself feel warmer, because that answer is so very Ronan. That's the Ronan who's in this for his friends, who cares about his home and his people and his bird, and who doesn't in the end need more than that.
This is his best friend.
Ronan is so grounded. He balances Gansey more than he will ever know. ]
You know you could probably dream one of those. Self-cleaning, and everything.
Anyway, this is all quite previous. It's not the end yet, Lynch. We still have miles to go before we sleep.
no subject
Miles to go.]
Then I guess we should start working a little harder.
[There's a pause- Ronan isn't verbose, not even in text- especially not in text really, and he doesn't express himself in words so much as action, but he does feel some form of gratitude toward Gansey for all of this- the reassurance, the talking-down, everything that he's so good at.
That sort of thing is hard to express when they're just texting. So, after a minute or two, Gansey will get a second response, just a single word-]
Thanks.