He threw me in the rubbish and he KEPT COMING. And he stood over me and grinned. I went for the only thing I have that could make him stop. It was stupid, and I regret it now, and it didn't mean a fucking thing because he just knocked it out of my hand. So what do you want of me? You think I'd be more virtuous if I let myself get knocked around? If I let a fucking gorilla do whatever he wants to me? I stand up for myself. You're a boy. You can create a little army all to yourself. A gun is ALL I have.
I couldn't create an army when someone held a gun to my face.
[ Just for the record. But that also means he understands the fear she's describing.
That doesn't mean he's okay with this. He's never okay with anyone threatening Ronan, even if Ronan is. Ronan isn't known for making the best decisions when it comes to self-preservation. He does relent a little, though. ]
No. I don't expect you to let yourself get knocked around.
This has to stop now. You told Adam about the trashcan but not about the gun. I would put myself between you to stop him hurting you, but I won't have him threatened, either.
[ She doesn't write back. Not for a long moment. When she does, her answer is tired and unhappy. ]
You weren't there to put yourself between us, though. Not then, or the other times. I don't want that to sound like I'm scolding you, or complaining, or any of it, because I gave as good as I got. Or better, maybe. But the relationship between me and him isn't through you, Gansey. And it won't be. I came to you this time because I've been trying to figure out some way to reach him and handle him that DOESN'T involve hitting one another, because I don't like getting hurt and I don't like hurting him. Honestly, I'm sick over the thing with the gun. But ultimately if he goes into one of his rages and goes to hurt somebody, and I'm there, you very well might not be. And I've got to figure out how to handle it.
You're the one who brought me into this. I trust Ronan. He is a better person than he is showing you, and he is not capable of what you think he is. You don't know him like I do. I can't have him hurt.
If something happens, then call me. Or Blue, if for some reason you can't get me.
Look I WOULDN'T have SHOT him. The fact that I carry a gun does NOT mean that I want to kill anyone. And again I brought you into it because I'm TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO RESOLVE THE SITUATION THAT AREN'T VIOLENT.
Not with me shooting him, that's for certain. The safety wasn't even off. It would have scared him into backing off, or it wouldn't have. And if it didn't, then I'd probably have clocked him with the butt of it in the nose so I could make my escape.
He made me drop my gun, but after that I didn't go for ANY of my other weapons. (And yeah, if you're going to act scandalized, I carry a knife, too. And pepper spray, which I WISH I'd grabbed instead, but I went for the first thing I felt in my purse.) I let it end there. With my complete humiliation, the piece of trash that he got to throw away.
That's not what you are. You know that you're not.
Ronan doesn't make things easy. He never has and he never will. He certainly doesn't think you're weak. In fact he thinks you're well able to defend yourself, which means he's not shy about his aggression.
He fights with everyone, Kitty. You should have seen him with Adam in the early days. He's better than he's showing you, I promise you that.
[ You know that you're not. Her throat tightens with a hard twist of bitterness. Does she? Know that? On the one hand: yeah. No. Of course she's not. Of course she has value. But sometimes - Sometimes it's just hard not to remember what she was told her value was. Especially...lately. And especially when a cruel boy who had threatened to hurt people acted just like them. ]
Well, I'd like to see him be better, then. Anyway, all of this is really coming late, isn't it, since that was the first time I ever met him, before I'd even met YOU, when he started out by threatening to hurt some of the locals. And I haven't pulled a gun on him since, or tried to hurt him since. I mean, God, it was a split-second decision that came to nothing and that I haven't even considered doing again. I mean, is the assumption that you have about me - do you assume that I'm going to hurt him? Or hurt you?
He didn't tell me, any of it. Not about the gun, or about fighting with you. Not until I spoke to him about all of this. I don't like guns, and I don't like that you'd pull one on anyone. Perhaps that's naive.
[ No, that's definitely naive. That's Gansey, wanting the real world to be better than it is. The real world has a tendency to remind him that it's not. ]
I don't like having to pull one on anyone. I don't like having to carry one. I want there to be no violence in the world. I want everything to be resolved just with words, and with patience, and with understanding. But I'm not going to let my desire for a better life blind me to the fact that the world isn't kind to the people who try to change it. And that by the very definition of what you're doing, when you're fighting for peace, you're making enemies of people who embrace violence.
[ Then, because she's been suffering a bubble of uncertainty and curiosity, because he keeps coming back to that object: ]
What if I'd pulled my knife on him? Instead of my gun? Would that have been different?
No. I don't expect that at all. But can you really expect me not to have done what I needed to in order to defend myself? You think of Ronan through the lens of knowing him as a friend. But he's got strength enough that, for someone like me, his hands could be a lethal weapon. And I couldn't know that he wouldn't follow through. I couldn't know that he wasn't going to strangle me to death and leave my body in that dumpster.
[ Gansey considers it. The truth is, the most violent people he knows didn't look like they ought to be. He thinks of Whelk, and Greenmantle. And the Gray Man, of course, who takes so much care to look unobtrusive. Not an obvious thug. ]
I understand you were afraid, Kitty. I don't want you hurt. I already said that.
It ought to be what I think of everyone. I've been too trusting, and things have gotten cocked up as a result.
[ Crane. She'd thought - like a little fool, she'd thought that he was all right. She'd been kind to him, and indulgent, and people died. And Hopkins, too.
But what about Mandrake? Bartimaeus? Isn't your ability to forgive, to trust - isn't that a strength, Kitty? Haven't you always told yourself that's how the world's going to move forward? You don't even believe that. You are trusting, and you're not going to give that up. ]
I really like you, Gansey. A lot. You and Adam and Blue. I would like to be your friend. But I'm not sweet or gentle. I'm a street thug, a criminal. In my way I am wicked. If that's not the sort of person that you can associate with, then it's probably better to decide that now.
My friends don't lie to me. They don't manipulate me like you did, implying you were under threat when you'd held more of a threat in my other friend's face.
That's what I need, and just to be clear, that's all I've ever asked from the others, too.
[ Is that fair? He reads it several times before he sends it, and he thinks it is. That's Gansey's standard. He needs to know he can trust people. Ronan is violent, too, but Gansey would put his life in his hands. So yes, it seems fair to him.
[ There's a pause. She blinks back her tears, trying to read that. Then she flips back to his previous text, and re-reads it, and then comes back to this one and types back at him: ]
I thought that was 'my friends don't do this so you're not my friend.' I thought that was what you meant.
That was, 'this is what I need, if we're going to be friends'.
[ He's not that much of a monster.
And she explained. He understands that she was afraid. That doesn't make him okay with the choices she made, but she wouldn't be the first friend he feels that way about. ]
[ The response takes a few minutes before it comes. The reasons why it takes so long are both stupid and predictable. Kitty Jones, crybaby.
And: Kitty Jones, trying desperately to regain some sense of pride. This whole thing has left her so humiliated. ]
I'm not changing because of you, though. I want that to be clear. It's something that I think is right, independent of anything else. So don't think I'm someone who can be pushed around.
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[ Just for the record. But that also means he understands the fear she's describing.
That doesn't mean he's okay with this. He's never okay with anyone threatening Ronan, even if Ronan is. Ronan isn't known for making the best decisions when it comes to self-preservation. He does relent a little, though. ]
No. I don't expect you to let yourself get knocked around.
This has to stop now. You told Adam about the trashcan but not about the gun. I would put myself between you to stop him hurting you, but I won't have him threatened, either.
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You weren't there to put yourself between us, though. Not then, or the other times. I don't want that to sound like I'm scolding you, or complaining, or any of it, because I gave as good as I got. Or better, maybe. But the relationship between me and him isn't through you, Gansey. And it won't be. I came to you this time because I've been trying to figure out some way to reach him and handle him that DOESN'T involve hitting one another, because I don't like getting hurt and I don't like hurting him. Honestly, I'm sick over the thing with the gun. But ultimately if he goes into one of his rages and goes to hurt somebody, and I'm there, you very well might not be. And I've got to figure out how to handle it.
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You're the one who brought me into this. I trust Ronan. He is a better person than he is showing you, and he is not capable of what you think he is. You don't know him like I do. I can't have him hurt.
If something happens, then call me. Or Blue, if for some reason you can't get me.
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He made me drop my gun, but after that I didn't go for ANY of my other weapons. (And yeah, if you're going to act scandalized, I carry a knife, too. And pepper spray, which I WISH I'd grabbed instead, but I went for the first thing I felt in my purse.) I let it end there. With my complete humiliation, the piece of trash that he got to throw away.
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Ronan doesn't make things easy. He never has and he never will. He certainly doesn't think you're weak. In fact he thinks you're well able to defend yourself, which means he's not shy about his aggression.
He fights with everyone, Kitty. You should have seen him with Adam in the early days. He's better than he's showing you, I promise you that.
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Well, I'd like to see him be better, then. Anyway, all of this is really coming late, isn't it, since that was the first time I ever met him, before I'd even met YOU, when he started out by threatening to hurt some of the locals. And I haven't pulled a gun on him since, or tried to hurt him since. I mean, God, it was a split-second decision that came to nothing and that I haven't even considered doing again. I mean, is the assumption that you have about me - do you assume that I'm going to hurt him? Or hurt you?
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He didn't tell me, any of it. Not about the gun, or about fighting with you. Not until I spoke to him about all of this. I don't like guns, and I don't like that you'd pull one on anyone. Perhaps that's naive.
[ No, that's definitely naive. That's Gansey, wanting the real world to be better than it is. The real world has a tendency to remind him that it's not. ]
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[ Then, because she's been suffering a bubble of uncertainty and curiosity, because he keeps coming back to that object: ]
What if I'd pulled my knife on him? Instead of my gun? Would that have been different?
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But the pepper spray would have. Do you seriously expect me not to be upset about my friend being threatened with a lethal weapon?
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[ Gansey considers it. The truth is, the most violent people he knows didn't look like they ought to be. He thinks of Whelk, and Greenmantle. And the Gray Man, of course, who takes so much care to look unobtrusive. Not an obvious thug. ]
I understand you were afraid, Kitty. I don't want you hurt. I already said that.
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[ Crane. She'd thought - like a little fool, she'd thought that he was all right. She'd been kind to him, and indulgent, and people died. And Hopkins, too.
But what about Mandrake? Bartimaeus? Isn't your ability to forgive, to trust - isn't that a strength, Kitty? Haven't you always told yourself that's how the world's going to move forward? You don't even believe that. You are trusting, and you're not going to give that up. ]
I really like you, Gansey. A lot. You and Adam and Blue. I would like to be your friend. But I'm not sweet or gentle. I'm a street thug, a criminal. In my way I am wicked. If that's not the sort of person that you can associate with, then it's probably better to decide that now.
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That's what I need, and just to be clear, that's all I've ever asked from the others, too.
[ Is that fair? He reads it several times before he sends it, and he thinks it is. That's Gansey's standard. He needs to know he can trust people. Ronan is violent, too, but Gansey would put his life in his hands. So yes, it seems fair to him.
Sent. ]
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OK. I expect you'll want me to stay clear of the others too then
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I thought that was 'my friends don't do this so you're not my friend.' I thought that was what you meant.
[ She doesn't tend to expect second chances. ]
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[ He's not that much of a monster.
And she explained. He understands that she was afraid. That doesn't make him okay with the choices she made, but she wouldn't be the first friend he feels that way about. ]
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It's not something that's easy for me. Honesty, I mean. But I try. I do try. For friends.
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What does that mean
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I like you, Kathleen. I don't actually want to stop being your friend.
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And: Kitty Jones, trying desperately to regain some sense of pride. This whole thing has left her so humiliated. ]
I'm not changing because of you, though. I want that to be clear. It's something that I think is right, independent of anything else. So don't think I'm someone who can be pushed around.
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